My Faith Journey
Many clients and friends have asked me about my personal faith journey over the past three years since I started my business. This is a topic that I usually keep very close to the vest, and it requires an immense amount of vulnerability for me to open up about it. I spent many years figuring myself out spiritually, and I know that my spiritual path will continue to shift and grow for the rest of my life. The biggest project that I’m embarking on this month is a video series giving all of the details of my faith journey from the beginning of my life up to this moment, and it’s taken a lot of time and self-reflection to find the words and to recall all of the details. The brand that I’ve built over the last three years is contingent on a few things. Authenticity, openness, vulnerability, and true expression are a few words that come to mind when I consider my personal values and the values of my business. This topic is just about as raw as it gets for me when it comes to talking about my life. I will be discussing my upbringing in the church and my experience with religious deconstruction in this post, so if you feel that those topics might be bothersome for you, I invite you to skip this post for now.
It’s my greatest hope that diving into this subject matter will clear up any mystery around who I am and where I came from on this path, and that it will give others an opportunity to feel a sense of belonging if they resonate with my story. I also have a great hope that if you’re reading this, you know that I welcome you into my space with open arms and an open heart regardless of your personal spiritual or religious beliefs. I see clients from all walks of life and from many different religious backgrounds, and it is always my goal to help everyone feel safe, supported, and seen in my presence no matter what they believe. I don’t ever intend to change anyone’s mind or disrupt anyone’s connection to their higher guidance or deities. This is simply my story, and I hope that it is received in that simple way. Thank you for embarking on this story time with me. I have always approached my faith and my connection to God with honor and reverence, and your time and attention spent here are greatly appreciated as you witness that connection and my personal experiences.
As a child, I grew up attending a Nazarene church in my hometown, Kokomo, IN. I attended church every week with my great grandparents who would keep me overnight on Saturdays and bring me home on Sunday afternoon. I took my faith very seriously growing up, and I would always participate in events with my youth group outside of regular Sunday services. I would memorize bible verses to compete in challenges, and I read the entire bible cover to cover three times during grade school. I always felt very connected to God through worship music, and I felt immense joy singing with everyone during services. I would often carry my burdens to the altar, and I would openly cry and surrender them during church on Sunday. I prayed every day, and I felt a deep connection to God all the time, and that connection got me through some of the worst times in my life, which occurred during my childhood. That’s another story. The level of faith that I had at that age still stuns me today when I tap in with my younger self, and it carried me through everything, no matter how dark.
My teen years started much the same, until the point where I started questioning some of my beliefs around ages 13-15. I was deeply afraid of hell during my childhood, and I had night terrors about dying and ending up there fairly regularly. At some point during my early teen years, I realized that I no longer believed in hell. Everything that I knew about my personal relationship with God led me to believe that he wouldn’t create such a place to send us. I only felt deep love and unconditional acceptance from my creator. That was the beginning of my deconstruction journey, and it left me with a lot more questions than answers. When I asked people in my church family these questions, it quickly became clear that the questions were unwelcome and that these topics were not to be challenged. At some point, I felt that I no longer fit in with my community, and I struggled with feeling like an outcast in the place that had always felt the safest to me.
As I began to shift my beliefs during my teenage years, I developed more of my own identity through my faith and established which parts of my upbringing I resonated with, and I started to explore different belief systems that also resonated with me. I found solace in esoteric spaces that I had always been drawn to, and I began to explore astrology, mediumship, pagan traditions, and Eastern philosophies. At some point, I realized that I could hold space for all of my beliefs simultaneously. This allowed me to explore different faiths while still holding onto my roots and my relationship with God. By the time I started college and entered into my early twenties, I no longer identified with being a Christian because my broad spectrum of beliefs no longer seemed to fit into that category. This was something I grieved bit by bit slowly over time. I felt like I fit into some other category that didn’t have a clear label or definition, and this was intimidating for me at that age. I still held the utmost respect for Christianity, and I had many close relationships with my loved ones who were still practicing their faith. I would still attend church services regularly while I figured myself out. It was a difficult part of my journey, and it came with many challenges in my personal relationships.
The most pivotal moment in my deconstruction journey was the day I decided that I no longer wanted to partake in communion. This decision was not supported by my partner at the time, and there were many arguments about it over the course of years. I came to this decision with a heavy heart because I had always felt a deep sense of appreciation and reverence for Jesus’s sacrifice for us. However, as my beliefs shifted away from Christianity, it no longer felt appropriate for me to participate in this part of church services. I had too much respect and love for Jesus to take anything from him when I didn’t feel like it was mine to accept anymore. If I couldn’t accept all of the doctrine with my whole heart, it no longer felt right for me to accept this sacred gift. I received a huge amount of pressure from my significant other to continue to take communion, but I maintained my position on the subject because I felt very strongly about it. My deep respect for this practice overshadowed my desire to fit in and make others comfortable with my choices. It was not easy to take these steps away from the church’s teachings, and some days it felt like running a gauntlet. However, I’m grateful for these experiences because they shaped the person I am today, and they ultimately helped me find myself.
I leaned more into my spirituality over time, and I started to distinguish my beliefs from the ones I was taught as a child. My connection to God had some rougher times, but it was always ever-present in my life. I am always striving to lean into this connection and to learn more every day. This story is certainly not complete, and I will continue to expand on this through my video series that will be much more in-depth. I am always willing to discuss where I am in my beliefs, and if we get the chance to have a personal conversation about it, I promise to be candid and kind. Thank you for holding space for my story and perspective, and I hope you know that I would absolutely do the same for you if given the opportunity. Your story is valuable as well, no matter how many twists and turns it contains. Even if you feel like no one cares, it’s still worth sharing. I truly believe that we are all connected, and that we all have a special place in the tapestry of creation that couldn’t be replaced in a million years. Your connection to the divine is uniquely yours no matter what your belief system might be. I honor that, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.