Surrendering to Rest
I’m learning more about myself all the time, and my most recent lesson was a refresher course in accepting when my body and spirit need time to rest. In my experience, rest will try to whisper to you for a while before it begins to scream. I am typically aware when my physical body needs rest, and I often take the time to rest without judgment. However, sometimes I’m not able to recognize how much rest my body really needs. Considering the pressures of daily life and all that it takes for us to keep the wheels turning, at some point it feels like we’ve rested as much as possible. I found myself here this week when the demands of life came knocking while I was being called to continue resting. I felt like I needed to get moving again because life kept moving around me, and if I let my progress slip, I might never get back on track. I decided to play catch-up and prepare for the week instead of giving my body the time it needed, and my body decided it was time for me to take a mandatory break for a couple of days in the form of a heinous stomach bug.
Near the beginning of my spiritual journey, I was made aware of a concept that stated that our bodies will take rest when needed in the form of acute illness. Basically, if you are unwilling or unable to rest on your own, your body will allow illness to overcome you temporarily to get you to stop moving. I realized early on in this illness that my body needed more rest than I was willing to provide, and that was the reason this was happening. I’m a pretty stubborn person, so I continued to resist the illness and the opportunity to rest for a while because I genuinely thought that I had more important things to do. I was doing everything I could to help my body heal faster, and I was spending a lot of time praying, begging, and pleading to be healed so that I could continue to keep the wheels turning in my life. I didn’t want to cancel my important speaking engagement the next day, and I wanted to appear to be put together and indestructible. I pride myself on being someone who shows up, and taking a sick day was not something I planned or wanted.
This situation helped me realize that so much of my self-image is wrapped up in wanting to be and project the best possible version of myself at all times. Trying to hold myself to this standard isn’t just unreasonable, it’s impossible. This week showed me that I’m still a little bit afraid that everything around me will crumble if I take my hands off the wheel for a second. That perhaps if I allow myself to take a week off from my responsibilities, the world will see that I’m just over here trying my best like everyone else. This concept was terrifying for me because I feel safe when I can represent safety and stability for the people around me. I feel like my function in this world is to stay strong and keep moving forward no matter what happens. That’s why my body knocked me on my ass this week. It’s not my job to be perfect or model perfection. It’s my job to be a human and surrender to the flow of life and be a living example of death and rebirth, which is incredibly messy and inconsistent at times. I am a strong, resilient person, but not all the time. Moments of weakness are natural and acceptable, and sometimes I need to learn that lesson the hard way.
I’m learning slowly to be gentler with myself and to reject hustle culture. I’m also learning that things happen as they are meant to happen regardless of what that looks like. It might be embarrassing, painful, or frustrating, but that’s just life. We don’t get to control every aspect of it, and we don’t get to be at our best all the time. I’m also realizing that the more I surrender to the flow of life and accept the bumps in the road and the hills and valleys, the more I’m able to forgive myself for being a tiny human who’s just holding on for dear life some days. I’m learning to give myself what I need before worrying about my external circumstances. Everything happens in the right timing even if it feels like you’re way behind and you might never catch up. If you’re just trying to keep your head above water today, that’s okay. If you’re not ready to get back on it tomorrow, the next day will be okay too. We must keep going, but that doesn’t look the same way every day. Some days it just means that we keep breathing until tomorrow. It’s okay to slow down sometimes even if you’d prefer to keep the pedal to the metal. I promise it will work out somehow because somehow, it always does. Find your breath and let it go over and over until you’re ready to get back up on your feet. I promise you’ll find the world where you left it.