Cultivating Healthy Boundaries
If I asked you if you would rather swim alone or swim with sharks, I’m guessing that you would prefer to swim alone. What if I told you that you’ve been swimming around life with people who might as well be sharks in human form? Would you continue to choose to spend time with people who are predatory when you have the opportunity to spend that time in your own energy instead? It is true that there is safety in numbers, and our nervous system is well aware of that fact. We are safer in community, and for the vast majority of human history, community is what kept us alive. However, if you allow any of your primal urges to run your life in today’s society, you’ll be on a crash course for disappointment and loss. It’s clear to us that if we allow ourselves to be ruled by our desires for dopamine, we will soon have no real life at all, but for some reason it feels less problematic for us to be pulled by creature comforts and a sense of safety. That’s because those things aren’t inherently problematic.
Community only becomes an issue for us if the people we choose to connect with don’t have our best interests at heart. When we encounter people who are opportunistic and self-focused, it is important to establish boundaries to protect our time, energy, and effort. You must have the ability to see these people and accept that they will take anything from anyone for their own gain. As a giver, you are hardwired to project unconditional love into the world. You’re the kind of person who would do anything for your loved ones. You’re the one who shows up for someone when no one else will. That is a beautiful gift that you have, and I’m not telling you to stop sharing that with the world by any means. I’m simply suggesting that you must keep your own head above water in order to continue this beautiful soul mission that you’ve chosen. If you’re here to spread love into the world, you must first love yourself and learn to protect the light within you. That’s how you keep going, and that’s how you’ll be able to have a greater positive impact on the world. The sad truth of this work though, is that you can’t save everyone.
You can’t love someone enough to make them love themselves. You can’t be there for someone enough so that they can continue to abandon themselves endlessly. It is an impossible task, but this is what a narcissistic taker will ask you to do. They’ll ask you to be their battery, their sunshine, and their source of true love forever. If you allow this, you’ll be drained until you have nothing left to give, and in that moment, you’ll experience the fullness of this cruel cycle when they abandon you to find a new battery. People who need someone else’s light to survive will always look for another source. My message to all of the givers of the world is that we are agreeing to participate in this exchange, and we can stop participating at any time. When you encounter someone like this in your life, it’s okay to let go. It’s okay to tell them you can’t do whatever they’re asking you to do. You must learn to say no when your heart is telling you to in order to save yourself.
If we all collectively told the takers that we’re not available for them in this way, they would be forced to find their own light. That’s the beauty of this situation. You’re not the bad guy for saying enough is enough. You’re actually giving those people the greatest gift imaginable. Codependent connections rely on both parties to stay alive. If you pull your energy back from a connection like this, it will cease to exist. Allow yourself to be free, and you’ll inevitably set them free as well. They might choose to find someone else to play this out with, but you’ve given them the opportunity to step outside of the cycle and find their true essence again. What they decide isn’t your responsibility or concern.
Taking care of yourself is your greatest responsibility and mission because you can’t fulfill your soul’s purpose if you allow others to use your energy as a source of power and strength for themselves. Fill your own cup from the inside, and allow the world to benefit from your overflow. Connect with people who lift you up and encourage you to keep going. Community is the way that we survive and thrive, but it must be balanced. There is no place for takers in a true community because their hunger for more energy will never be satisfied. When someone shows you that their greed outweighs their capacity for love, believe them and take a step back. Loneliness isn’t easy, but it’s better than being used forever. You will find your true community, but you must let go of the false one first and find the courage to stand alone in the meantime.