Are you in the habit of making promises in your daily life? What kinds of promises do you make to others regularly? Are you consciously deciding to make these promises, or are these just obligations that you uphold without really asking yourself why? It’s easy to center our lives around other people because it leaves our own behavior and patterns to be ignored and unchallenged. If you’re always busy solving everyone else’s problems, you don’t have to face your own shadow or the emotions it generates. If you are in the habit of centering others in your life and making endless promises that feel like burdens, I would suggest that you start making some promises to yourself instead. I came across some handwritten journal entries that I wrote last spring, and I was interested to read some promises that I made to myself during that season of my life. I was in the practice of making myself promises each morning, and in the evening I did a subsequent entry explaining how my day went and which promises I followed through with.
One of my promises was that I would take two minutes to be fully present with myself. One hundred and twenty seconds. My entry at the end of the day was mostly about the rest of the exercise, and all I had to report was, “I forgot to do my two minutes specifically, but I did try to be present most of the day.” If I had promised to call my mom for two minutes, text a friend who was struggling, or pause my drive for two minutes to respond to someone who needed something from me, I surely would have done any of those things. I could have completed the two minute task before writing my second entry, but I was tired and I wanted to go to bed. I find it difficult to make promises to myself, and when I step out of my comfort zone to do self-help tasks I have an even harder time keeping the promises. I sometimes feel weighed down by the guilt of trying to do everything I promised everyone else, and I don’t have any energy left to give to myself. This is when I make the decision to rest, and I finally stop striving for perfection. Since I haven’t failed the people I care about, I’m safe to let myself slide on that promise.
The problem here is that we’re not meant to center other people in our lives. We’re meant to care for ourselves once we are adults, and meet our own basic needs before we take on the needs of others. This mental, emotional, and physical security, strength, and sense of self protects us from becoming overwhelmed. It’s a beautiful thing to take care of others, and to put their needs above our wants when they need help, but we have to be cautious about putting others needs above our own if they’re not our children or immediate responsibility. If we’re always stepping in for others before meeting our basic needs, we will inevitably falter, and perhaps at a crucial moment. Adult people should for the most part be capable of solving their own daily problems, and they should be in charge of taking care of themselves. If there are people in your life who are asking you to fulfill this role for them when they are fully capable, I would challenge you to develop stronger boundaries with them. You must fulfill your own needs, and you should prioritize your wants whenever possible. This isn’t being selfish.
This is a healthy choice that will give you stability during your most difficult times. If truly taking care of yourself becomes a habit, you will be more emotionally and mentally available to help others when they truly need someone to be there for them. People might be angry when you choose self-love after you had been taking care of them first, but I would challenge you to stand firm in your decision. If someone is benefiting greatly by your choice to disregard your needs, you should reevaluate that relationship. Tune into your emotions when you are handling these uncomfortable situations, and ask yourself what feelings are motivating you. Guilt, fear, and shame have no place in healthy relationships.
Make a small promise to yourself today. Write three small action steps that will help you improve your quality of life. Give yourself the two minutes, and see how good it feels to keep your promises at the end of each day. It might not seem like you’re seeing major improvements overnight, but keep going. Shifting your perspective can take time, and it might seem like the progress is modest at first. I didn’t make great strides last spring with my daily promises, but the shift in my perspective carried me through the next year and a half. If you’re unimpressed with your personal progress, I would suggest that you look back a bit further in your history before you judge yourself so harshly.
Love yourself more today. Promise?